Khayla, The Special One

This girl was my 1st cousin in my father's side. She was born in the Philippines, lived in Manila until August 2009. She stayed in California until her death. She was the only girl and the youngest of four in the family of six.

Khayla was the sui generis of my generation. Her innocence and love for life is astonishing beyond words. She was a magnet of everything lovely, natural and positive. She has gained her father's genes of wisdom as she was a potential soul  to change the world, which she had done in her local community, Meher Haven in Mariposa, California.

Every year, the Choi family has a celebration of life in Meher Haven called Bhaustock. It is based on the life and love of Avatar Meher Baba, whom the father was influenced by. This is the time when people get to together and savor life as souls are attached through strong spiritual bonds. I have yet to attend this event. There are anecdotes saying that these events are one of the most extraordinary experiences in their lives and they would always remember these days as life-changing days.

Her brothers, Aaron, Michael and Joseph really took great care of her and I believe they and their parents have been the greatest influences in her development as a person. The learning and joy were mutual. She went to Korea, to India and I am sure she loved learning. 

A full life in a short span of time. Her friends testify how unforgettable what it is like to have known her. I've seen great tributes and wonderful words from her community of hundreds of people and everyone loved her and she loved everyone.  

Here's a poem I've made for her after her birthday last year:

Khayla Loves You

October 29, 2015

Love conquers all things.

Hearts melt when it rings.

Treasure of life, it brings.

Her infectious smile sings.

The angel lives in our hearts,

Knowing she'll never part.

As caring is her eternal art,

And loving goes beyond the charts.

Innocence was her holy, playful style.

Unconditional love travelled a trillion miles.

As her spirit transcends the bodily pile,

While her memory creates a lovely smile.

Her charisma captures life,

Devoid of all malicious strife.

Love incarnate to the core of every soul.

Purity in its magic; feelings, real and whole.

Khayla loved life and light;

A humble healer to everyone's delight.

Full of wisdom, full of might,

As light as a soaring kite.

All wounds are healed,

As doves glide over a field.

Special was her name.

Love was her game.

Khayla loves you;

A love that never fails you,

To show no borders nor condition.

'Tis divine that you loved her life's rendition.

Her mission was teaching people to go beyond fear,

And into the light of love bringing their eyes to tears.

A promise fulfilled to her last breath.

A being who lived and loved to her death.

Love! Oh, love! 

What an unconditional love!

Khayla gave all a lovely pearl.

The heart of all hearts go unfurled.

It emanates with a revitalizing vigor.

It destroys the mediocrity with passionate rigor.

Love comes with an inner peace of mind.

Khayla loves you and that is hope for mankind.

Here's a tribute video I've made for the blessed girl:



Here's another tribute video, but this time it is more professional as it was created by her eldest brother, Joseph Choi who happens to be a novelist and a potential director:

You see, your lives will be touched once you get to know about her. You will sense a spirit of compassion in her. It is very rare to meet a soul whose love is unconditional and is ever-reaching beyond the boundaries of this grand universe.

No words can capture the experience of encountering someone like this in a lifetime. She was one of a kind, very rare in this dimension, in this world. Her aura was that of a master of enlightenment and agape. 

This post is made in memory of her. She has taught us a lesson in life that life is to be lived to the fullest, to love more and even contemplate on our current state of mind often. Listen to the heart and fulfill the dreams and goals in life. Do not worry that she's still around to guide you from the other side. 

Thank you, Khayla. 

Revisiting Poetry

I know for a fact that I was able to post poems here before. That was a long time ago. I will post a poem I've composed recently. The spirit and the structure of the poems I make now are very different from the poems I've before. I do desire to reignite the spirit of life in poetry and it can be quite profound to some. Yes, I can be a profound person considering I am introverted.

Here's a poem I've made last year:

Shards

August 31, 2015

I'm shattered into a million shards.

It is hitting me way too hard. 

Like a panic attack flowing in my veins,

I free myself from the terror of earthly pain. 

The treasures are lost in the wind.

I have only myself to find and define.

To start anew like an embryo entering the scene.

Into a new life of freedom, hope and love. 

This is a new beginning after all. So, I will be posting more of my literary creations here for all to appreciate.

Thank you for reading.

2016: a new beginning

I have returned after a very long break. Many things have happened since then. I have matured. I am no longer the boy I once was but I still write well. It has become a hobby of mine to read and write. I will try my best to tune into here more. I will try my best to be active once again. 

God bless everyone. 

The Simple Essence of Love

Love is something I do admire in people. It is an intrinsic part of human nature. Love will never be wasted or outdated. It is an emotion that human beings deeply feel. It encourages the growth and development of the person to the highest level. It presents the dichotomy of emotional pleasure and pain. We struggle to maintain the realism of love just by imposing rules of conditionality that will make it more challenging to maintain a relationship, romantic in particular. Romantic pessimism will only make things worse because their misery of romance is focused on emotional pain. They hurt themselves and they hurt others.

Frankly the moment love hurts is the moment when true love no longer exists. Pure love is not pain, but pleasure. A pleasure to share, to help, to care and to comfort. It is both an egoistic and an altruistic act. It is egoistic in a sense that we give ourselves the ecstatic pleasurable feeling. It is altruistic in a sense that we give others the ecstatic pleasurable feeling. When our acts of love benefits others, it will make them feel good and it will also make us feel good about ourselves on how we execute the act. So, therefore, love benefits everyone. It is one of the most emotionally pleasurable experiences a human person can experience in his lifetime and that is human love. We wish for the best for everyone.

Love is not only an emotion, a feeling or an act, it is also an imperative need for survival. We all need love and feel loved. Love is not a want but a need. If it were a want, it would be optional. If it would be optional, then our existence would be mechanical or a void of nothingness. We all deserve to be loved and love. Love nurtures the being into a mood of positivity. To love is to oblige to promote the growth and development of the self and others towards happiness and other pleasures. To feel loved is a great pleasure because it feels so good.

Love is reserved for humans and animals, not for objects. We often attach ourselves to objects simply because they are important to us and we believe that we can't really live without them when we actually could. We could cathect with objects but the love for these objects are egoistically superficial due to the fact that the object cannot love us back and that is unrequited love. We love different objects only if it gives us a feeling of pleasure and that feeling would make us happy. Happiness is not in the objects, it is in how we enjoy things.

Love people, not objects. People can think, feel, sense, perceive and express. Objects cannot, unless it is programmed to do so which is partially possible.

Love should be unconditional because you have to accept the perfect imperfections of people. You have to accept everything, even though it is difficult. You also have to show the unconditionality of the love. How? Believe the person, acknowledge the faults, support, care and understand the person no matter what the situation is. True love happens with trust, responsibility, honesty, open communication, open-mindedness and other prosocial states of mind and behavior.

It is better to stay hungry than to stay unloved, because food is something materialistic and something money can buy. Love is priceless, multifaceted, multi-perceptual, profound and is felt by the heart. It is something money can never buy, even with a googolplex of pesos and dollars at hand. Food satisfies the body. Love satisfies the soul of the human person.

Love people by understanding, sharing something, taking care, protecting, empathizing, supporting, helping, and other things as these are ways how you can show love to people through action which is beyond words. It is proven and tested. These are the valid actions of love, especially to the boy's treatment to girls which I will write about in the future. Make them feel good. Make them feel that you really care about them as if they are very special people in your life. So, God bless, Take Care and I love you all. :)

Pictures, iPad, Thesis and the last year in college

It is one week before classes and I have yet to enroll. This summer has been a big summer for me for it showcased the last workshop I take at GTF. Oh! Let me include that I got an iPad 2 from my maternal grandfather on May 19, 2012 who stayed in a hotel in Manila from May 13 or 14 to May 20, 2012.

Stolen or Planned?

Since then, I was able to play with it. I got excited with the picture and video functions and I was able to document a lot of things. Most of them are stolen shots. I can really be the king of stolen shots because I can take pictures without anyone knowing it unless I make it obvious. Same goes with videos. :) Here's the reason why I like taking stolen shots. I got this quote from a booklet:

"Life is like taking our photographs. We often pose the way we wanna be seen by others. But sometimes, by taking stolen shots, we capture who we really are." 

True! Spontaneity keeps everything natural. We become spontaneous if we don't overthink everything and have our minds cleared. We become spontaneous because we become aware of everything. If you think about it, stolen shots captivates the essence of reality. Everyone are great actors, it is just that many of us are not really aware of it. You can really see what kind of spirit and personality the person shows in a stolen shot. 

The difference between people and the lower animals is, the lower animals are not aware and not self-conscious of someone taking a shot of them. They are just being natural. While, us people find ways to show to the world how are we supposed and wanted to be viewed in a visual sense. What we wanted to show is not necessarily tantamount to something natural, but a showcase of how we want to be seen. In social psychology, this is called "Self-presentation". We present ourselves as our public or social selves. We strive to look good and feel good about ourselves when we see these planned pictures. It raises our self-esteem. We want to be remembered through these things. We have an image and stature to protect and we always associate that to our selves, but it is actually our ego that is to be protected. This does not mean that taking planned pictures are discouraged, you can still do that because it will still be very helpful in ones reputation or something special in life. Stolen shots destroy the fantasy of self-presentation and reveals the reality of things much deeper than just mere self-presentation. It is nature itself. :) Photojournalists do this almost all the time. To sum it all up: while planned or posed pictures are ordinary, stolen shots are extraordinary.     

iPad Naivety 

Now, that I have wrote about a piece of photography and psychology, I will go back writing about the iPad. I am still quite naive with the use of this device as I find it difficult to download apps and perhaps making use of other functions. I have so many photos I would like to upload to my Facebook account to show to the world where I've been to for the past few weeks. :) I am willing to learn more about my iPad. I have an Apple ID but my problem is I couldn't download apps because it seems like a credit card is required. There is option for "no credit card". If I could download apps, I will just get the free ones. :) A neighbor said to me that I need it "jail-broken" which means to make it less restricted and more liberated. Perhaps, it is time to consult an Apple expert about these things. I am very new at this.  

Thesis Psychosis

Let me be honest now. I know that I am not alone at this and that is a fact. Thesis is one of the biggest burdens in college. Personally, I think I am going to be deluded with the complexity of the paper. Never underestimate the thesis because it will beat you up like Pacman. I guess, in Buddhism, this is called Karma. We have a taste of our own blood and treatment. Formality happens to be so Draconian that it is starting to feel like I am in a over-refined university during the Victorian Era. It is so Draconian that people around us are testing us if we can get through all of the confusion created by different people with so many comments and recommendations that we are at loss in what to do. Who should we follow? Why do comments of one conflicts with the comments of another? That is a very big mystery for me. Defense? That's hell already. 

Nevertheless, I am sure there is a way to get out of this mess. What we really need is the attitude of exploration and the conviction of defense through logical processes. Teamwork is a necessity because the fault of one is the fault of all. If you are an individualist (One who prefers to work alone), you will really have hard time, especially when you are not very close to your groupmates. Yes, I am an individualist and it is a challenge for me to do this. If only if I can really engage and talk with them a lot, then it wouldn't be so bad after all. A group thesis is just like a theater production, it requires cooperation for it to make itself very effective and efficient. 

Research can be fun if you have the passion, the attitude and the enthusiasm to do it. Researchers are essentially bibliophiles (Book lovers). My research professor who likes to talk a lot and very very fast that I sometimes get lost in her lectures, said that her only requirement is to "READ". Well, I agree with her in that but let me add "CRITICAL THINKING". Critical thinking will make a very gigantic difference in research. It is a very powerful weapon and tool. 

CRITICAL THINKING + CRITICAL READING = EXCEPTIONAL RESEARCH

But let me lament that many of us lacks the skills to think critically. It's a sad thing. It is not an innate thing, it has to be learned and it is best learned when you are with critical thinkers. I am sure there is a way, but I don't know that way yet. 

Take it from the cliche "You cannot please everyone". We are often in the position that we try too hard pleasing our research adviser, panelists, dean and the research coordinators. That's where our confusion climaxes with their differing opinions and not knowing whom to follow. In one consultation they make an opinion of something, but in another consultation, they may change their opinion on that same thing. Sometimes opinions from different professionals can contradict each other. That's one reason why thesis is a mess after all. What do they really want from us? Are they doing this to test us if we are confident enough to pursue our research? Are they doing this to test if we are very sure of what we are doing? Perhaps. A very good and confident speaker is needed when it comes to these things. We often resort to the intellect of the authority in a particular field of expertise and we don't really question them. So, we learned to be gullible at things. I guess journal critiques are helpful in a sense that we will no longer be gullible and we would start questioning the study. I guess that's where critical thinking and read can begin. No wonder, my professors in the past semesters and years wanted us to do journal critiques. They were training us for the research. So, if we start to please everyone based on their expectations, we would fail because it would really look like they are doing the research instead of us students. Yes, they are very vigilant and meticulous. They control a lot of things when it comes to thesis, especially the technical and formal aspects both in qualitative and quantitative research. Anyway, it is still an experience to learn from. We can learn from failure and it will be an advantage to us because we can do it better next time. :) 

College year finale

Finally, this is it! My last year in Manila Tytana Colleges, formerly known as Manila Doctors College. This is my 6th and last year in the college taking up BS Psychology. I will do my best in what I can do. I am very hopeful. :) I came into the campus in 2007 and that is a long time a go. Practicum will be a different experience for me because this will help me determine what I can major in and what my can be. I just hope that they will implement the board exam for psychometricians next year because with this, I can have my MA. Also, we will have foreign language classes as elective (Optional in the choice of language, but required). Now, I wonder if it has any bearing in the transcript of records. Well, it is helpful in a sense that we would be appreciating a different culture. :) 

2 years in nursing and 4 years in psychology, it has been a very long journey. I would to be extravagant after the obstacles I will be facing for the last year and I am very sure that there is so many of them. AD ASTRA PER ASPERA! (To the stars through adversity!).  

After college, I will take a traveling vacation and probably search for a job within the country first. I don't know have plans after that yet. I will  travel with my ninang because it will be time to explore different places and that, I am sure, will be very memorable.

Ok, I think that's enough for now to be heard and to be seen and to be acknowledged. I am sorry if I can be quite boring at times. :) God bless all. :)  

GTF Workshop 2012 Part 2

Enlightenment came to me and it made me realize that this group can be something very special in their own ways. Considering that these are different age groups, they have their own psychological characteristics with regards to development and social issues. Like I said, every workshop is different and I understand that now.

There are children, adolescents and young adults. The majority are adolescents and they aim to find an identity through peers. They experience chaos in their hormones creating their own voice in their own ways.

Somehow, I expected too much from them and it was quite inconsiderate for me to do so. Mea culpa (I acknowledge it to be my fault!)! Anyway, I really do think that the rehearsals in one way or another will connect us all into an amazing bond because with this, I believe that the show we will present is the show that will blow the minds of the audience off.

Responsibility + Trust = Teamwork. That's the basic theater disciplines.

Let's set our differences aside and work together to a common goal and that is "Communicate by telling a story". We appreciate each other like brothers and sisters. We work hard with our blood, sweat and tears and let the integration of the body, voice and mind with manipulation of energy and breathe management prove that we have learned something from this wonderful workshop. A group of people with different cultural backgrounds yearned to be together to prove to the world that we have the guts and the glory to show something magnificent to the world. :)

I see our rehearsals like stairways to the sky enriching the essence of our potentials as human beings. The show is the climax where we get to the paradise of enjoyment, hardwork, effort and the significance of what a performance really is.

Here's the last stanza of my very first poem dedicated to them:

"The last days of existence shall be grand and awesome

For it is then we will truly miss and savor memories

When we show to the world our pieces of Gold

Let evidence shine that we have stood once more in unity with pride."

I shall interpret this stanza. The last days of existence means the last days of togetherness as a group and it is the time when we'll truly appreciate the value of everyone in the group. I have no doubt in my mind that there will be a crying session after the recital. The pieces of Gold I relate here, is the recital. So, it is considered to be grand because it is an inspirational thing that we are in this together as one unit. 27 of us is like a very big family of brothers and sisters where we get to accept and appreciate one another as they are.

Nothing can take away our memories and our experiences in this workshop for they can ever be replicated as it will remain in our hearts and minds for a very very long time. These people are definitely priceless and when we part on our own ways on May 18, 2012, we will realize that nothing will be the same without them.  They hold some sort of significance and importance in our lives. In the coming years we will look back and know that that magic of the group will always be remembered.

I know for a fact that everyone will one day be successful in their own ways and I appreciate them for being themselves all along. They are compassionate and loved in their own ways. Puppy love, infatuations and some bonding are mere soft elements of experience in the workshop. Lets make our weaknesses become our strengths and may the Lord give us the power to show to the world who we can be.

I wish our workshop could have been a week longer because nothing can replace it. We understand, we support, we appreciate, we love, we admire, we adore, we sympathize, we help one other through the activities and through the bondings we go through in every session of the workshop. We are Filipinos who has the sense of Kapwa (Pakikisama + Hiya + Utang ng Loob). Yes, I do see that in many ways. :) :) :)

My message to them:

"Be the best person you can be and never compare yourself with others for you are unique yourselves. Appreciate and love one another because it is a gift to take the opportunity to know and understand people in a short adventure. Take advantage of the time because you will realize its importance to you when they disappear from your sight. You have potentials, develop them and follow your passions and your dreams and if you choose that, then you are making your own destiny in this wonderful life you live. Carpe Diem! (Seize the day!) Enjoy the moments together and forgive one another because you will free yourself from negative energy if you do. You guys are some of the coolest people I know, even though I don't really really know some of you, because you have the power to embrace everything as they are. Go on and fly like Ibong Adarna spreading the joys throughout the world. I love you all and God bless all!  Clap for ourselves and congratulations in advance! Let's do this and make the show the best performance we can give. It is for us and for everyone. :)"

Thank you for everything in advance. :) :) I am speechless with this.

Part 3 will come soon with my description of each of the workshoppers and that is 26 excluding myself. :)

GTF Workshop 2012

Way before this workshop started, I was in the library of my school on March 7, 2012 just to read newspapers but I suddenly caught the GTF workshop 2012 announcement on a newspaper.

I wrote in my diary:

"I would like to note that there was an announcement by the Gantimpala Theater Foundation in Philippine Star. The announcement was about the workshop. Very surprised I was when they announced 'musical theater'. Man, they have decided to return to musical. Geez! What's their rationale? After 2 summers of plain theater, they have gone musical." 


You see, I have attended 6 workshops all in all and this is my 7th. 4th in GTF. Again, 1st in Museo Pambata 2000, 2nd and 3rd in CCP 2005 and 2006 and the rest is GTF (2008, 2009, 2011 and 2012). I am nuts, right? I couldn't help because it was addicting. Hahahaha!!!

I started to worry about the workshop on April 4, 2012

I wrote:

"I have a some sort of dilemma. The workshop will begin on April 9, 2012. I don't know if I should join or not. I am certain that they would say I have mastered everything. I don't know. I feel kinda attached to GTF every summer. Last year, I said that that would be my last time and now, look at this. It is musical once more after 2 summers of non-musicality. What happened to regular theater anyway? Is everything experimental? I don't know. I don't really know. I am quite wild eh? Hahahaha!!!"


Well, there was a some sort of suspense during the holy week. Yes, I had to enjoy the holy week first before engaging myself on this problem. So, I wrote again on April 9, 2012:

"This morning, I had a dream of Sir Roeder in the workshop. I ask if I could join even though have something like a Ph.D. He said 'no' and that left me kinda discouraged.


I have unresolved dilemma. Should I go or not? Today is the day of the workshop, this time is musical. I know that they're doing 'shake your bon bon' and 'name game'. It is the beginning and it is never too late. Anyway, if I join I would feel kinda guilty already because it seems that I am not giving others a chance. Were Sir Roeder or the familiar people expecting me? I don't know. I feel like I have to go to GTF office after the workshop for consultation or to meet them again. This would have been my 4th time and it would be greedy of me to do it again, yet I want to attend again because the experiences are unique. 


I've told them already last year that that was most likely my last time to attend it. I don't know but I think it would be selfish of me to attend again. Selfish because I've done this a lot. Every workshop is different." 


Pardon me but I was disoriented that time. I had cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortions. My friend, Verlie helped me out and she said that I should go if I really wanted to. So, I have decided. 


The first workshopper I've seen I think was a 10 year old Kyrie with her yaya. On my way to the place, right on the entrance, I saw 2 or 3 people seating on the bench. I didn't want to know who they are at that time, so I turned my back on them as they walked out to Luneta, as I was facing the renovating plaza. I wrote again on April 10, 2012 about the circumstances the day before:


"I went to the building and I was hesitant, very hesitant to go into the office. The lady  whom I forgot her name, went down and noticed me, so she has encouraged me to go upstairs. Her name is Alice Borbe. While Ma'am Alice was in the CR, the big star came down with a rock-star-like hairdo (He is Mr. Tony Espejo, the artistic director of GTF) and asked if I would be joining and I said 'I don't know'. 


When I ascended, I saw the 2 annotators of the workshop and the lavish gay of the company. Finally, a new face! I don't really know the annotators. This is a new era. 


They said that they're responding to the market and they adjust according to how the market works. They brought back musical theater because they've noticed that regular theater workshop had very few participants...


Anyway, Ma'am Alice told me that there are like 15 participants and there are expected to be more. One of the names she spot out made me kinda speechless or surprised. I told Verlie yesterday about this. His name is Ivan Dorschner. 


My goodness, this is gonna be good, very good. :) Another special time for me...


I eventually said yes, I would join and I observed that they were kinda ecstatic. Cool!"


So, you see, that's how my adventure began. I told my ninang about me joining and she approved it. She just had to consult with an old friend of hers who's an executive of the NPDC for a scholarship status thing.

Here are my first thoughts on the workshop. Written on April 12, 2012:

"This is my workshop finale and I do promise that this will be my last time... I've been through a lot and this workshop can be phenomenal....


There are like more than 20 participants already. The oldest is like 25 or 26 years old including the OJTs and the youngest is 10. Seriously, it is starting to look like the 2008 workshop. 


The 2008 workshop had a lot of workshoppers. We were like 30 something. It was my very 1st GTF workshop." 


Now, I have established my story about how I came into this workshop, I would like to type about the people and the activities involved:

The activities are very very adventurous and experiential. They are exploratory as well as insights can be acquired here as well. Sir Roeder is the main facilitator. Sir Jeff is the substitute facilitator and one whom I haven't met before: Mr. Nazer Salcedo who is the voice facilitator.

I have wrote about Sir Roeder and Sir Jeff before and they are indeed extraordinary individuals in many different ways. Hail the Camanag Method! Hahahahahaha!!!!

The activities really seemed so real that it is experientially irrefutable but scientifically refutable. The activities are considered to be analogies that would simulate a fragment in what an musical theater actor does. It simulates what theater should be. It is a wonderful realization to witness the workshoppers enjoying the moments offered in the workshop program. In my case, even though I get bored sometimes, I still get amazed that there will always be activities waiting to blossom. Believe me, they have like 100s and 100s of activities in mind and they just present them wonderfully. They are unplanned as well, so I think the facilitators are really meant to teach as well. I see the forte in them.

For the 1st 2 or 3 weeks, the schedule is MWF (1-5pm) and the rest until recital day is everyday.

Now, here's the fun part. I will be talking the group:

This picture was taken in the afternoon April 27, 2012. This is the group picture. The only person here very familiar to the common Filipinos is Ivan Dorschner. It is worth noted. :) 

    Now, this is just like a deja vu for me already. The picture of the 2008 workshop is similar to do this but without the facilitators here.

Anyway, let me put in what I had wrote in my diary about the group:

"My shell of shyness and yearn to be accepted dreads me to discomfort. Here I am, appearing to the workshop for the nth time. A part of me didn't want to go, but another did. I must embrace the rapport of all beings as we work together in this temporary eccentric zone." - -4/10/12


"The people in this years workshop seem to be awesome. I will make an FB group for them (Mission Accomplished). I can see smart people with great potential. I'd like to learn more about them. It takes time for me to know all of their names. I am acoustically overstimulated. It will take me a few sessions...


This group can grow together in harmony. I am really assuming that they are wonderful people because I like to view them that way. It is only the start of a long journey." - 04/12/12


Those are my assuming first impressions about them.

"I am telling you this is also an interesting group. I can only hope that the greatness of human connection prevails. We strive to connect, to know, to learn and to understand the reality of social interaction. We are one, we are together. The more together we are, the better our production will be at the end of the workshop. This is the advantage. So, I suggest that we should do this."- 04/13/12


This was one of my dreams that would happen in the duration of the workshop. I have managed to treat them twice already with 2 GC (Gift Certificates) at Robinsons Manila.

"I know that there are workshoppers like me who happen to have insecurities, restraits and inhibitions. I can see that in some of them. There are those who are like me who happen to be too shy to become vulnerable and take risks. That I understand. I still have hope in me that this will be a magnificent experience for this summer."- 04/18/12

"The other side of the workshop is negative. I felt bad. I felt out of place like I'm lost in the jungles. Their reason could be the language barrier because they may be thinking that I don't really understand Tagalog. They may also be thinking that I don't speak Tagalog at all. That's foreseen."- 04/26/12

It is something I continue to struggle with until this day.


The following message is one of the most important messages I would express:

"I hope for something good for the whole workshop group. It is already at the middle of the workshop. Without a doubt and with striking certainty I will cry and terribly miss them at the end of the recital because I can see that we are going into something very grand. I can see that we are leaning to a wonderful direction. We have 3 mentors now and they will help us shape the whole group into a some sort of a success story. I feel very optimistic about this. :) I have accepted the fate of Ibong Adarna as the recital. Maybe it will be different from what I would expect. I am happy to be part of this group." - 04/29/12 


"I have to admit that the workshop group has limitations and I know that there are those who are willing to take advantage of it and that is really part of the experience. I know that some happen to be insecure still. I do recognize that some may even become intimidated by me because of my fluency in English."- 05/02/12 


The remedy is they can go Taglish with me because that is how they can express themselves. I can understand them. :)

This was when I almost realized the value of the workshop, but the true realization came out when I texted one of the workshoppers about my concerns:

"... I do fear that some would not really understand what I'm saying. There are those who seemed to be intimidated by me. I recognize that we are a very diverse group. You see, these are people I would really like to cherish the moments with for the next 10 days because I do know that we will realize the value of the workshop the very moment our recital ends."- 05/05/12


"You see, I want them to know the true value of this workshop before it ends. I want them to know that they should cherish it for in the end memories and pictures will endure." -05/05/12


The diversity of this workshop shows how important individuality and uniqueness is. We all came from our own worlds and we are summoned together to create a certain spirit of camaraderie. We strive to help each other, acknowledge each other, accept each other as people. There are complications that can arise, complications in different relationships (In fact, I spent a lot of my energy brooding on one of them). You see, I know that in the end, we will show the true value of the group because I've been there already. There will be a sense of unity as we blend ourselves into a sea of people like a cluster. I still want to embrace them like siblings.

We have to work hard and to embrace the moments as if there is no tomorrow. The recital is a whole new level of challenge for me and this is something I have never done. :) Alleluia!!!


This is workshop has always been temporary. Time is running out. Despite me, being a some sort of an alien to them, I still would like to acknowledge them as an awesome group. Sir Roeder said that this group is like the ideal group for a company theater production.


The recital is all sung-through (Meaning musical from beginning to the end). It is the first time for GTF to do this. It is an adaptation of Ibong Adarna made by VCCPA (Valenzuela City Center for Performing Arts) which happens to be a company headed by Sir Roeder. I figure it to be really really awesome and the rehearsals are fun as well. :)

"The film is a spectacle. The theater is an occasion, a celebration"- Sir Roeder

Thank you, congratulations in advance. BREAK A LEG!!! May our recital be grand once and for all. God bless everyone!

The new acting method

Theater is a fascinating subject to me because for the 7th time all-in-all and for the 4th time in Gantimpala, I have returned to the place once again. May this be my very very last of the summer workshops because by next year, I would venture into a different world after embracing my bachelors degree next summer.

I have written about this before, especially last year. You see, I came into a conclusion now that my mentors should have a formal recognition of a method of acting created by their own learning experiences influenced by Stanislavski's system of acting and Eastern philosophy. It is something that they should write about. I would call one part "The Roeder Method" and the other part "The Jeff Method". Why? I can see that they can revolutionize the reality of acting as they believe that everything comes from within and it is 100% natural.

I am sure they are humble enough to admit that they go with the flow but they may not be aware of the potential of the methods they show to everyone. I highly respect them for their craft because they are experientialists and they prove that they are right about everything through various activities that can be related to different lessons and it can be easily applied. I wouldn't be surprised if they have made a book about it already. I am hoping they would, soon. They are very practical people. They adapt very easily and very well. It is something I admire in them.

If you are able to put these 2 methods together, you would get "The Camanag Method of Acting", just like Constantin Stanislavski. They are living proof of Thespian professionalism. They can never be compromised. These are things that can be intriguing.

It would be very interesting if I could integrate these with psychology because acting is reacting and observing. We make use of Bandura's Social Learning Theory to observe and imitate. We make use of Procedural Memory to be aware of the use of the body and voice. We make use of Classical Conditioning to learn new techniques and realize from experiences.

You see, theater is literature, performance art and psychology merged into one. I guess a bit of philosophy can be included. Sir Roeder said the goal of an actor is "To communicate". Sir Jeff said the goal of an actor is "To tell a story". So, therefore we can say that the goal of an actor is to "Communicate a story taken from a piece of literature by enriching the senses and make the story look alive." So, theater is a serious job for it requires lots of discipline and management.

"Theater is not an art of one. It is an ensemble art."- Jeffrey Camanag

A special friend and human connection.

There are so many things to write about now that I am a 21 year old lad. I have many views and many beliefs now. I often type on my Facebook statuses these days. That was cool, because it is worth sharing things that have a certain kind of value. :)

Too many things to type about that I don't really know where to start. Maybe I would like to start writing about someone who validates my claim that cross-sex platonic friendships do work despite that romantic circumstances seem inevitable.

Her name is Verlie. She is a 21 year old lass who is 2 days older than me. She is the eldest of 3 sisters and a nursing graduate who is currently working in a call center in Quezon city. I may have had a reference to her in my previous posts saying that we share 30+ common characteristics, but I believe now that we have like 100+ characteristics.

You see, Verlie and I haven't met personally yet as we plan to do soon. We have only met virtually in a Q&A website called Yahoo! Answers. I added her as part of my contacts and I guess, she contacted me and that's where we started our acquaintanceship. I have selective retrograde amnesia with my friendship with her prior to the last days of January 2012, when she contacted me after a long hiatus of communication.

Nowadays, we contact each other every single day via CMC (Computer-Mediated-Communication) using Facebook Chat and SMS. Can't you believe that my diary is now filled with our SMS conversations? Wow! That's how special she is to me. Hahahahahaha!!!!

Verlie is a fantastic woman in many ways. I get to know and understand her deeply like I never did before. You see, this is like the most intimate friendship I've ever had and that is something I adore, savor and cherish for the rest of the time. I will never forget her for we have helped each other in bad times and appreciated each other in good times. I am proud to say that I love her as a FRIEND (Emphasis intended for clarity sake). I have written a lot about her in my diaries. We trust and we can understand each other.

Let me say honestly, that there was a time that I nearly fell in love with her but I resisted with great might fearing that it might destroy the friendship. Now, we have really grown resilient already. We click and we can dance the tango as if we have really 100% known each other since birth. Hahahahaha!!! She said that we are like twins.

5 notebooks of my diaries (including the current one) are dominated by our SMS conversations. I even put the date and time sent. It ate the pages very very fast. Last February I was on my 21st notebook, now I am on my 25th notebook which is like 30 pages away from being full. That's how constant our conversation it is.

Verlie is someone who I admire and who I can communicate with everyday. She is someone very special to me. I made her poems and I have surprises for her. She surprises me sometimes. So, we have our good times and our bad times and these times I say, makes our friendship deeper and stronger. She is evidence that friendship can happen in a cross-sex relationship.

Here's what I wrote in my diary today about communication:

"I do believe in my heart that constant communication is vital in every relationship because relationships always start with communication. 


A relationship can never exist without communication. Constant communication will determine the assurance of a great relationship. The more open, and direct communications get, the better the relationship will get."


The better the relationship, the stronger it is. So, this is why open and direct communication is needed. In order to have open communication, one has to have an open-mind and one has to be aware of what the other person is thinking and feeling if care and concern is involved in a relationship.

This is what I aim in every friendship I establish with others, like Verlie. I may not have the social skills, but I have the written communication skills, but frankly this is not enough to have a good social life. I will write about that in another post.

So, Verlie, like me, like everyone has flaws and imperfections, in an authentic relationship, it is best to accept the fact that everyone is perfectly imperfect despite of our yearning in achieving certain idealistic objectives.

Verlie is like another aspect of me which undiscovered of unexplored. She can look into me and tell me the truth about my being and reality. It is helpful because she cares. She doesn't define me but she helps me define myself. Sometimes I see complementarity in our relationship. There are times I do feel incomplete and somewhat inadequate whenever I write about her. There is a missing piece in the puzzle I cannot truly fathom. Thank you, Verlie, my favorite friend, for being there and taking the patience to establish and go with me a journey through road less traveled.

I know and I acknowledge the the reality or the fate of inevitability of a romantic relationship as I believe that the difference between a romantic and a cross-sex platonic relationship can sometimes blur, but it is our freewill to take these choices. No body is forcing us, only the physiological circumstances forces us to do this but if we can manipulate the chi or the energy that drives our libido, we can converted that into something productive and authentic. Yes, boys and girls can be friends and true enough, this friendship is evidence. :)

Alfred Adler said that everything is based on social feeling or social connections. I believe that to be true, more than the sexuality of Freud.

Human connection is indeed important because one cannot live without the absolute presence of one another. We hug to make ourselves feel good that we are not alone. We care to make ourselves that there is someone who loves us as who we are. The only problem is, all of these things deal with vulnerability and it all starts from within.

The problem of vulnerability, insecurity and cowardice is a deep problem of existential anxiety. Is this the root problem of everything ? The answer will come up in another post.

Typing Resurrection

It is today I have decided to type again after a very long period of great hiatus. I never knew that there would be many views lately. Whenever I look back into my writings specifically in my blog posts, diaries and poems, I figured that I am making a name for myself.

The very reason why I stopped typing here is something to do with laziness or some sort of fear and anxiety out there which I worry a lot. It seems that now I am encouraged by different forces of extrinsic motivation, I guess I have to re-start the hobby and resurrect my literature into action, which is yet to be remember for a very long time. :) I am glad that I have returned to this. :)