A need to satisfy interpersonal connections and personality

Loneliness has been an emotional disease for a very long time. Aloneness, however is different, because it is a choice. I have been longing for a true friendship for a very long time and somehow, I keep on backing out for reasons like fear of judgement, criticism and rejection (Social Isolation). Those are the risks I am aware of self-disclosure. Others may be reaching out to me, but I guess I was rejecting their offers for reasons that my super-ego is my guardian image, who always would like me to be weak.

I feel very restricted at alot of things. Alot of people seemed to misunderstand the conditions people like me are facing. They have not empathy, but I don't blame them for not understanding, because I know it is very difficult to understand the people who are very different from us. The problem with me, is that I am not always willingly to legitimately suffer for the better, I am not taking risks. That's Neurosis defined by Carl Gustav Jung. It is autonomy and social connections I am aiming for. I really know now, why children hate to be controlled. Let not the children be spoiled to the point of no responsibility.

Love and Affection according to M. Scott Peck (A psychiatrist, a psychotherapist and a best-seller author of the "Road Less Travelled), is an effort to open yourself or extend yourself to others (Breaking down ego boundaries). Ego Boundaries are personality limits in ourselves. If we are to effortless break down ego boundaries, that love will always be temporary, because love is not a feeling itself. That's the myth. It is like a muscle willingly to push ourselves to the target of risk. Read the Road Less Travelled, you will really know alot. I am sorry, but I can't put everything here.

When I really have to self-disclose information (I mean the great truth of my being), I will break down and hope nothing will go bad. Optimists always aim for the better (Positive thinkers). Pessimists always aim for the worst (Negative thinkers). Pessimists always do the complaining and will not be really satisfied of what they have and what they are doing. Optimists is the direct opposite. They are happy even though something is missing. Me, being a pessimist always look for facts and knowledge (that are empirical evidences of psychopathology in my being) more about myself through different references and acknowledge those facts as part of me, but doesn't throw this away, I let it become like a parasite.

Whenever, I stay at school during vacant times, I let myself become desperate just by witnessing the process of making gold (Making friends). I have been comparing myself to others, which can make me inferior to others. This promotes jealosy. So, I should stop judging, criticizing, doubting my abilities and capabilities to do better. It is all in the mind some would say. If I see myself as a moron or an idiot, I would expect others to see me as the same, waiting to be bait of rejection.

I am sure some commenters to this note will be able to extrinsically motivate me by saying "Believe in yourself! Trust yourself! Let no other person bring you down, because it is you who let it happen..." I would appreciate that, but then, I will be more dependent on other people for giving me wise passages.

I have found myself to be insecure all the time. Mark Twain said "There are no securities in life. Only opportunities." So, optimists would rather look for opportunities. Let the opportunities not hinder the great development of man, because these are the grand doors to experience and experience is the greatest teacher to be a better person. Self-determination is actually a one-time thing, they aim for something great at 1st try, because they would believe that there wouldn't be a 2nd try.

As you can see, I have been debating with myself on what should happen. My sick-self will push me towards mental illness (Most possibly avoidant personality disorder), but my healthy-self will push me to change and to aim high to fulfill all of my potentials as a human being. That's basically the tug-of-war of personality.

Once we were told, that we should not talk to strangers. That mindset is already impacted in our minds. Parents were wrong. Friends were strangers before we meet them. This are one of the reasons why people are so shy and anxious to meet other people. I am a loveshy person myself. Our parents did not really specify what strangers are. Everything is generalized. I hope you are enlightened. The purpose of this post is not only to express my need to socialize, to be accept and to be loved but to help others who are in need as well.

I do have the knowledge but my problem is the application of the knowledge to my self-esteem. I know am not alone in this one. A true friend out there is an acceptor of beings. I may not be a friend to myself, but I may be able to befriend others. I accept the responsibility of the criticisms others say to me in this note. Thank You for your time and patience. I shall end this note with a friendship quote:

"It is easy to find fault with others, but it is not easy to live so that others will not see faults in us. We tend to criticize our friends for doing things that we could do not better."

Pasensya na lang sa mga nanag-nosebleed. Walang pag-asa ako kapag walang intidihan ng mga complex terms. I apologize. :(