The root cause of my social and psychological problems. + Childhood Autobiography

I finally found out the very foundation of these problems:
1) Separation distress with a childhood Anxious Attachment ---> Social Isolation ---> Loneliness of Emotional Isolation ---> Depression
2) Emotional Abuse ---> Low Self-esteem/ Self-image*---> Fear of Rejection ---> Depression
3) Emotional Abuse + Parental Overprotection---> Excessive Immature Dependence ---> Social irresponsibility ---> Social Anxiety ---> Ultimate Unpreparedness of the Future

*Low Self-esteem ---> Poor Health ---> Self-blame

Children + Mother (Caregiver) = Attachment

There are 2 types of Attachment
1) Secure Attachment-Adequate support, care and attention to the children (Chances of little loneliness)
2) Insecure Attachment-Inadequate support, care and attention to the children.

Separation Distress - Is the consequence of destroying the attachment by taking the caregiver away from the child. The child gets annoyed, lost the sense of security, and felt rejected by the caregiver.

There are 2 types of Insecure Attachment
1) Anxious/ Ambivalent Attachment- The child in this case has a desire to be loved, and need to be attented to. They feel emptiness. They believe in infatuation.
2) Avoidant Attachment - Child's perspective of total rejection from the caregiver while the caregivers are present (In short, They avoid the child). They have fear of commitments.

For more info pls. click these sites.
http://www.geocities.com/a_lonely0us/love_lost.htm
http://www.webofloneliness.com/type_of_loneliness.htm

Read the types of loneliness, the latter 5 are relevant to my case.

These are simply my self-conceptual analyses. Could these be the possible factors of being an INFP? The way I see it, it some ways, yes.

In the case of NATURE VS. NURTURE, I believe in both.

Here is the story behind my loneliness of emotional isolation:

My life Story:

Before I was born, My mom was staying with my guardians with her 3 brothers and 1 half-brother in Malate (Where I am currently staying). What I don't know is how did my parents first met. I have a theory that they met in the middle of 1989 (Perhaps June 1989) in the school year 1989- 1990 as classmates in a class. They began to like each other at the end of 1989. Maybe, at around April or May of 1990, my mom ran away from our guardian to Visayas for several days or weeks or so. She had to return to Manila around August 1990. That's what I see. Like I said it is THEORETICAL. For facts, I'll have to show this story to them.

I was born in Chinese General Hospital at the afternoon of to 2 people, namely Demetrius "Trius" P. Mayo and Mirasol "Sol" N. Jose who were studying in De La Salle University - Taft Avenue. I was a zygote at January 1990, when they were still teenagers. I was a product of PMS (Pre-Marital Sex). Those 2 people are my parents. I grew up with them until I was around 4 years old. I have a memory of my baptism plus me being brought to that university by my mom. I stayed with them at Alabang, Muntinlupa in southern Metro Manila. There was even an attempt of adoption, which my guardian opposed. If I were adopted right now, I would have a very different life.

At around 1994, my mom dropped me in Malate with my guardians. What I remember is that I was stressed out or crying for my mom. This is when the Separation Distress happened. The reason why she did that is, she didn't want to be responsible for the care of me. Then probably my parents separated due to some conflict.

I had a memory of me, some guy (Foreigner) and my mom in a wooden house with a small aquarium. It is located in the middle of Manila, near SLEX (South Luzon Expressway). That Foreigner was told, and I am sure he was not one of my guardians. I also remember we were near an Iglesia Ni Cristo church (a local Christian denomination). Frankly, I do not know if this really happened or not.

Education Attainment

1994-1995, I was a Nursery student in a defunct pre-school named "Little Flowers of St. Therese". That time, I really loved stamps of approval, snack time and the playground.

June 1995- March 29, 2007 (AC to 4th year HS), I studied in OBMCI as my uncles and my mom did. Pls. go to my previous post about OBMCI to read more.

June 13, 2007- March 21, 2009, I studied as a BS Nursing student at MDC.

March 22, 2009 - present, I am studying as a BS Psychology in the same school.

Immature Dependence (Dependently Accepted)

"The reason why I am me right now is the influence of Nurture in Nurture vs. Nature. I am immaturely dependent with my guardian. I don't know why. What I realized is that the more dependent I am, the more undesirable effects I'm gonna have when she dies. Isolation dominates my being as a person, because if I am dependent on my guardian, then I am dependent on the approval of others, not myself solely. I admit my personality life deficiencies and am fear of others' critiques. In short, I pre-consciously rely on popularity. I am not very ready for the future. I also never really did any chores."

Click these links, it will help you understand.
http://www.ucc.uconn.edu/~rohner/glossary.html
http://www.sonic.net/~drmurray/maturity.htm

Emotional Abuse

I have been verbally abused with destructive anger by my guardian. She sometimes say negative things when she was unreasonably outraged. Entirely, she intuitively wont let me be myself. She always criticize me bad whenever I do something wrong. My superego is attached to her ideals. Honestly, she doesn't recognize the fact that "As people grow, we get more independent and more developed". This is when immature dependence comes in. Also, I feel that she prevents me from socializing or something.

REJECTION

1. constant criticism
2. yelling or swearing at the child
3. treating an adolescent like she/he is a child
4. not allowing youth to make own reasonable choices

This is the way I see it. BTW, I will not say who my guardian is to protect her identity.

This is why I felt deficient. This is why I hated myself. This is why I am having a hard time to cope up with reality. NATURE VS NURTURE. This is why no one really understood me very well. This is why there was a point in my life that I have suicidal thoughts. This is why I am mostly self-fish. This is why I am overweight. Finally, Just being an INFP, I am different and I still have this public self-consciousness, out there, but not during workshops.

One last thing, the ultimate source of negative energy is from "NEWS". You know why.

I can't please every person, utopia will never go true. It is easier to destroy something than to build something. A positive mindset will give out positive energy, a light that will dominate all of darkness to subatomic particles.

"Don't let yourself be controlled by others, let others be controlled by yourself with trust, love and happiness."

I want to sustain the credibility of my self-identity and let these problems serve as a keystone for the help of the future.

"I am aware that we can have faults, crossing the line and some unpredictable reactions from other people. I am so self-conscious that I could fear the worst."

"We are made perfect but not made to be perfect, that's how natural Man is. Practice makes it perfect but no-one is perfect and so why practice? We practice towards near-perfection. Besides, how can we learn from experiences without any problems?" "

It is very human to forgive, it is very foolish to ignore."

That's the end of my post. This is like my ultimate post. Analysis on almost everything.
See YA!!!!