Growth of Immasculinity and redefinition of character

I was not being brought up physically and emotionally strong and stable, because I came from a broken family. A family splitted into 2 with 2 different families. In short, my parents have their own families.

I wasn't being trained to be sociable with other people and yet I want to be sociable as what I expressed in my past post.

I wasn't trained to be firmly masculine because I am currently living with a lady guardian who is 65 years old (Physically, she looks 40 years old). And My "Uncle" who was the husband of my lady guardian passed away 2 years ago. I am related to her through my mother who is her niece. In Kinship terms, I would consider her as my Grandaunt (I call her "Ninang"), and my Uncle as a "Avuncular guardian". He was an American from Northern Califronia. He was considered as a model of Jazz and Classical Music.

I am an ineffective leader for the clique I am not used to but an EFFECTIVE LEADER for a familiar one. For friendship is the basis of true leadership. I am ineffective as class president to my classmates in such a way that no one seems to understand the difference of character. Even though I put concerning statements, they still don't absorb the message. Which leaves me doing everything alone. I wasn't trained to authorize anything. I am ineffective because I am alone in this journey without any genuine companion to guide me. Criticism WILL NEVER BE the solution. Whenever I make decisions, they give a wave of peer pressure then I was forced to agree. Some of my classmates blame me for not doing my responsibility as Class President. One of them said that we are practicing "Laisez-faire Leadership". That I agree. I have low emotional stability in offending situations. Close relationship with my classmates who look beyond the surface and open their eyes to realize what character would I really be is the goal.

So the factors are: Lack of Friendship, peer pressure, indecisiveness, irresponsibilities. (Take not e on the post on friendship.

So, the QUESTION is: What can I do to regain charismatic delegation of class affairs to my classmates? What can I do to be an effective leader????

I wasn't build to be strong and organize because I live in a household full of dust and unorganized layout of objects.

I don't have a sense of the responsibility of time management.

I grew up with fear. A fear where I lack strength. A strength of masculinity.

Is this what I am???? With the Johari's window, I can determine my character realistically.

I was told that I was psychiatrically diagnosed with ADHD and proved that this is not existent in me.

I have discovered that I am empathetic in someways. I could sense someones emotion. Empathy I must say is really a factor of knowing other people well. I must not be arrogantly judgemental that there are people out there who doesn't accept the realism of cultural differences.

I am an explorative, down-to-earth introvert who sees the world as a chaotic realm of enigma. I am curious in most things. Once I am curious and interested, I tend to result into what Filipino's experience called "NINGAS COGON". Ningas Cogon is a Filipino attitude in which a task in enthusiastically worked upon then that enthusiasm eventually crashes down, thus leaving a work undone. However, there are times I face addiction which is the opposite of Ningas Cogon.

I always keep some words of concern and feelings to myself until there is a right time.

I sometimes procrastinate due to some addictions and other events which is connected to the lack of time management and some other factors. Leaving me mixed priorities.

I fear what I shouldn't be fearing of. I have feared the rage of other people leaving me speechless and eradicating strength and defense.

There are times when habits really take over my mind which I am alarmed of, whenever my ninang warned me on this.

I always wanted to QUESTION anyones authority for a very sound and a logical rationale in each decision. Doubts arise without a rationale. I wanted to impose all logical fallacies and question all decisions till it is clean. I believe that the validity of each reason is determined by the embodied entities and the situation taken place. We have a right to do this unless the norms, the rules, the values and the morals are fixed in every cultural-accepted law that will never be doubtful. I never did have the power to do this because of the lack of strength.

I believe that my integrity will always be jumping in and out of the stage which in the end be contradicting. I believe that dignity lies in the soul.

Opinions and personal beliefs are always the roots of violence, PERSONAL PROBLEMS and massive argumentation due to contradiction, bias and non-cultural-adaptive agreements (Debates is a good practice of argumentation without bias) E.G. ATHEISM . I am always careful in doing this, but I subconsciously offend people with bias. I really apologize for what this not meant for me to do it. We should not question the opinions of others for that is their own perspective and we MUST respect it.

Non-acceptability of apology is an act where no one can be forgiven for (in minor situations). But in major situations, It is understood that trust can't be built the same way as before. Because apology is an inherent act of forgiveness for one another. The emotions of all parties will calm down. I do this always.

Me, as a human being whose personality may be treasured with some other people's life. Deepen the understanding and get the whole picture.

When do I realize that NURSING is a call from God to care for others??? These important questions of life lies in the borderless ocean of subjective data.

WHO AM I?
WHY AM I HERE?
WHERE DO I ORIGINATE?
WHERE DO I GO AFTER THIS?
HOW AM I GOING TO UNDERSTAND LIFE?
HOW LONG WILL I LEAVE TO SEE THE EVERLASTING ENLIGHTENMENT?

Life: A cornerstone of depth
By: Kyle Victor Jose

It is a intangible thing where no one can see nor touch
It is indefinite to see realism in this medium
Frustrating to know the insanity
God-giving to understand eternity
Pleasing to look into the soul of the others
Loving to grasp enlightenment
Open up to seek understanding
Know that you know nothing

If you are someone with value
If you live with dignity
If you empathize the poor
If you care for the beloved
If you do what is right
If you inspire others in bad times
If you scrutinize and analyses
Then see with whole-heartedness
Look beyond the lines
Appreciate the existence
Decide with heart and mind
Desire the necessary and lost will not find you

Life is an essence of experience
A revivification of illusion
Philosophy of complexity
An obstacle of simulated reality

Don't focus in to your negativities
Problems, and hatred
They will leave you disturbed

No one can be you
You can't be others
But you can be yourself with no blame.
Diamonds not autumn leaves will seek your destiny
Be serene
Be calm
You are not alone

Live it to the fullest, No one has a reason to abandon it.
My character, my being, my dignity and my faith defines my core existence and attitude as a living human.

"Our lives are like a candle in the wind."

-Carl Sandburg