I am ultimately blinded by anxiety of failure and intimidation. I discovered through someone else none other than the Baba perfectionist Mr. Choi. He helped me open myself more. I am a negative mysterious which eventually lead to something worse than illusion. In Enneagrams which is a personality test, I am classified as either a 4 or a 6 in 2 tests. The basis of my problems may have been the circumstances in ages 3-7. Abandonment from my parents is a probable root or may be the core root.
I think that I made a another persona as a netizen which may prove to me that I am different in virtual reality than universal reality. The one is enjoyable, the other is isolating. I may be in a verge of extensive self-identity crisis. A crisis that may no longer be recognized out in the open but in the inside. The monster can come out and make the most-courageous shiver. He also said that Psychology is best for me not nursing. The agony of burden keeps on deepening penetrating to the deepest mystery.
I am struggling in the dilemma of success and failure. Righteousness and enlightenment. Wisdom and knowledge. Love and Hatred.
Is this a nightmare which I face for 2009?
Ennegram interpretations:
Type 4: The Artist. The intuitive, reserved type.
Type 6: The Skeptic. The committed, security-oriented type
Either of the 2 types, I must self-analyze to seek what direction to chose for what personality I must be.
It is so desperate that I chose to regret the path of impeccable danger. I see no love but a fragment of it. Because of alot of beliefs, truths in this world, wheather opinionated or not, I can't stand to realize that I am losing my conscience of accuracy and precision of all. Everything is clouded.
What fact and what is myth, I even have no idea its differences anymore. I am full of trash and frustration.
Why does education destroy genuine wisdom in its heart? Complexities! I am sick of it! I don't myself no more. I am not who I am. Then who am I supposed to be? A victim of clinical perfectionism????
I always submit myself to others and never negate their judgements as if they are infallable. What is truth, and false truth? Mental chaos will give stress and worsen the state of mind.
My beliefs are now shattering to the unknowns. What is correct and incorrect to the top?????
I HONESTLY feel like I am THE MOST TROUBLED PRISONER in Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
I know I am stating the negative but I am doing this to shout out my devastations and frustrations.
Self-esteem will always go to a much lower state than I am because of this.
Misery, despair, anxiety will always obstruct a way to success.
THIS IS THE DAY THAT COULD REALLY CHANGE MY LIFE AND MR. CHOI HAS FINALLY DELVED INTO MY SUBCONSCIOUNESS AND BEYOND.
PS. I apologize from my deepest self about all of this sayings.
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1 comment:
This is your blog, you shouldn't be afraid to discuss your frustrations with honesty.
Education does not destroy wisdom! It can be used to better understand the complexities of this world as long as it is put through the filter of critical thinking... Mental intelligence can never be the answer to complete enlightenment, but it can be very useful in understanding oneself.
However, for matters relating to social behaviors and interpersonal relationships, there is simply no substitute for personal experience.
Do not despair or feel ashamed at your dilemma, for you are blessed to still have the capacity and the will to chart a new course for your future! You are still young and have many years ahead with which to pursue your inner work. I see a great strength in you, partially because I have gone down a similar path and I see that you have a strong soul. I wish I could eradicate whatever pain you have felt in the past. My father and I don't always agree on things, but he is right more often than I am so I often defer to him on matters of the spirit. I can only support his recommendations and hope that they will help you down your path of personal development at this crucial stage.
I am an Enneagram Type 9, although I have strong Type 4 tendencies. When I first came to the USA, I exhibited strong Type 6 traits and lived for a long time with loneliness in my heart and a shadow of fear of the evil deeds I was capable of hung over my heart at all times. I will tell you my full story in detail sometime if you'd like; just send me an e-mail.
Long ago I had a blog that chronicles in great detail the difficulties I had when I first arrived in the USA. You might find some of my misadventures insightful, or they might just bore you. It is located at [xanga.com/icekweem]. However, you would need to create a Xanga account to view it or comment on it. After that I had another Xanga account for some time - [xanga.com/laciesroom]. My more recent blog that I haven't updated in a very long time is [icekweem23.livejournal.com].
Take care, and have a healthy and happy New Year. I hope to hear from you soon.
-Joseph
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